How to Argue with a Woman Successfully

By: James Carter

When I was married, the worst things about arguing with my wife were the inevitable admission afterwards that I had been wrong and the compulsory apology. I found it so hard to admit I was in the wrong, which made the apology even more difficult because most of the time I felt it wasn’t justified. This usually meant I was accused of not being truly sorry and another argument followed!

I’ve been with my current partner for about 5 years now and we’ve argued only a handful of times. The arguments have been more like heated discussions than the angry, destructive fights I was used to, and the apologies have been easy and heartfelt. (And even more amazing, it’s not always been my fault!)

So why the huge difference, what’s changed? Obviously my partner’s changed and my attitude towards her is different, but has anything else contributed to this turnaround?

Looking back at how things used to be, I can see there were a number of factors.

Very often I’d get myself into an argument simply because I’d said something wrong – how common is that guys? But wait; could it really have been my fault each time? Looking back now, I have to admit that it probably was me – I’d say something without thinking about how it’d make her feel, or if I’m honest, I’d deliberately say something to provoke a reaction.

These days, I’m much more thoughtful. I still say what I want to say, I just think about how to say it in a way that won’t make her feel bad or defensive, so it doesn’t end up in a fight. Of course, I don’t get it right every time, and when I don’t I’m quick to apologise for hurting her feelings – then we move on and have a healthy discussion, not a raging argument.

So why the big difference? Well partly because I remember the bad days and don’t want to go back there, partly because I realise the effect my words can have if I use them incorrectly and partly (and this is the real reason!) because I stand a better chance of getting my point across if I can avoid an argument. I’m such a hopeless arguer that I always lose, but if we simply discuss the issue then my side of the story is received and understood. If we argue, then we’re both too busy constructing defences and launching attacks to listen to the other person.

Another thing I’ve learned is to let her have her say without interrupting. Too often I’d jump down my ex-wife’s throat to defend myself, only to find out much later that I didn’t need to and the row we’d just had was completely avoidable. Now I wait to hear the whole story and try to calmly digest it before responding. Again, I don’t claim to be infallible, but I’m sure we have so few arguments because we both give each other the chance to explain without reacting.

The final lesson I’ve learned is that compromise isn’t so bad! Often I’m prepared to back down and concede something because I know it’s a big deal to her, but not to me. When she really pushes for something, I’ll let her have her way because it’s important to her. If it doesn’t work out for some reason, then I don’t make her feel bad; instead we work out how to make it better. This might all sound a bit feeble on my behalf, but guess what? When I stuff up, she cuts me some slack too! So again, we avoid a big argument because we’re both on the same team, working together.

These steps can be summarised as:
Firstly I say what’s bothering me but without using language that makes my partner feel bad. I stay away from accusations and instead keep to the facts about how I feel. We try to listen to each other without interrupting or commenting.

Then we discuss the details of our disagreement calmly and rationally. I try to keep to the point and definitely do not bring up old arguments – that’s like throwing gasoline on glowing embers!

Lastly we negotiate and compromise until we agree. Sometimes we don’t agree straight away; maybe we need time to think it over or to think of another outcome. But we do try to keep the other person informed about what we’re doing – I don’t retreat to my cave without telling her when I’ll be back!

In short, it’s completely natural to have disagreements, but it’s what you do with those situations that define your relationship. Be thoughtful, listen, stay calm, and learn to compromise in your arguments and you will find that you are more pleased with the outcomes of your disagreements.