Dating After Divorce - You Can Do This

By: Jenna Lane

With the divorce rate at roughly 50% and with no decrease in sight, dating after divorce is not as taboo as it once was. Yet this does not mean that jumping back into the dating scene is going to be an easy transition. Whether a man or woman, the singles scene can seem daunting and make a normally sane person incredibly insane.

This could be due to the fact they are overanalyzing the situation itself or because failure from the first (or second) go around lingers as a close memory. Yet, this can be overcome by taking hold of reality, realizing this is a commonality and if others have done this - gotten divorced, healed, and started dating - then you can too. After all you were successful at dating as this did lead you down the aisle in the first place. And sure things have changed, but consider this; every person thinks things have changed, fears this change, and feels they are not ready for reentry.

So really what has changed? YOU have changed, the lessons learned from the marriage that ended in divorce has changed YOU - and for the better. During the healing process of divorce there is no doubt you questioned what happened, what could I have done differently, and what could have been done to hold this together? The answers to these questions probably made you realize major faults on the parts of both parties involved. Rarely is it one person's fault for the decline and ultimate end of a marriage. When there is a lack in communication it seems that there is no option but divorce. Feelings are not explained, situations ignored, and ultimately a couple will grow apart or - heaven forbid - cheat on one another.

Now there is no way to go back and do things differently, but you do have the ability to get back out there and apply the "what I would have done differentlys" to your future relationships. Yet, keep in mind you have not changed completely and the person involved in the prior divorce did not simply disappear. In fact, it is common that your major weakness in a relationship may be a strong asset within every other realm of your world. Devotion to a job, a cause, or even children is rooted within one's own self and one's own successes. Now this does not mean that this cannot be altered. In fact, this is where the balance of self enters the picture. Divorce can help you realize your weaknesses and the time spent healing can assist in finding a balance between time for yourself and time spent in this other realm. This is the issue at the root of the divorce, and this balance is going to make you a much greater partner in life.

This leads to the second issue I want to touch on - communication breakdown. I think it is inevitable for a couple to grow apart when they marry at a young age. It seems down the road that the young, lively couple laughing over dinner at the restaurant later becomes the quiet couple in the corner glaring at this table, which was once them. I think a couple, married or dating, has to work on communication and share experiences together and apart so that the relationship grows and does not become silent. Now apply this scenario to dating after divorce. You are just meeting this person; think of how much you both have to share with one another.

Plus add in the extra years of life lived prior to your meeting and you immediately have a wealth of experience and stories to tell one another - how engaging! You really have to consider this when dating after divorce and get excited. In our world of technology it is now possible to get to know a person extremely well before even meeting face to face. I think the online dating world serves as a well-thought out transition and is a better option than hitting the bars to find a quality mate. Now ideals, religion, politics, customs, past history, interests, anything you can think of can be discussed in the safety and comfort of your own home.

Then once you are ready to venture out, meet face-to-face, the fun really begins! The butterflies felt when you were 16 going on a date are back. A dinner date lasts for four hours followed by a phone call lasting another two hours. This is it, the reconciliation of communication. And the fact of the matter is this should last. All the ingredients are there - you have taken the time to heal and evaluate, you are aware of yourself (your strengths and weaknesses), you have lived life, you had the courage to put yourself out there, you are honest with yourself and to others about yourself. You have the winning combination and the ability to balance and realize, "Hey this isn't so hard."

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