Reader Question: Should I divorce?

Hi, I am on the fence about getting a divorce as I have a lot of concerns. Are there any blogs that talk about why men got divorced, how they were able to flip the switch and do they have any regrets and or advice? I think I would be much happier not being married to my wife. Bob


Hi Bob, thanks for your question.

I'm sorry to hear that you are contemplating divorce. It's not an easy choice to make - I know, I've been there. I'm not familiar with any reputable blogs that discuss why men get divorced, but I can describe some of my own reasons.

For me, the main reason we separated was that we simply fell out of love - the flame went out and neither of us had the energy or interest to re-kindle it. We don't hate each other; in fact we have a good working relationship, which is fortunate for our kids. In our case the decision was made rationally and logically since there were no strong emotions left in our relationship. I would recommend that if at all possible, when the time comes to make your own decision, that you remove the emotions otherwise there's a risk that your heart may rule your head.

Obviously, there are other reasons where emotion does play a large part or where one partner's core values are violated by the actions of the other. In these cases, it's really important to separate the emotion from the real issues and try to make the decision logically.

In short, I would say that if you have tried everything you can to stay together happily, and you're still thinking of separating, then maybe that's the course you should take. However, I would encourage you to talk the situation over with your wife so she at least has input to the decision. I would caution however, that although separation might offer you the best chance of being truly happy in the future, it is a hard path to take in the short term.

There are lots of books and resources out there offering good advice. If you want to ask more specific questions, then I'll also be glad to help.

Good luck, James


James, thanks for reply. My wife and I have very little in common. I care for her as a person and the mother of my kids but I don’t like her a great deal of the time and I have been anxious for years. Your right on with comments on separating emotion, we are both very emotional people, which has made it difficult. I need to do something for health reasons alone if nothing else.

Do you have any regrets? Are you happier now? Bob


Hi Bob,

I think you do need to remove emotion from the decision but you need to be careful that you don't come across as cold & heartless (emotionless). I think one angle that you could explore with your wife is asking her what's best for your kids. I'm supposing that there's some tension in your house & your kids will pick up on this. Although separation is hard on them, if you can ultimately have two happy households, that's better than one unhappy one.

For me, the hardest part was telling my kids - I'll never forget that.

Now though, some years later, I think my kids (& my partner's) are probably better off than they would have been if we'd stayed together. They've had some hard stuff to deal with but they now have two happy homes and have some step-sisters & step-brothers that have taught them a lot.

Personally, I have no regrets other than the hurt I inflicted on my kids, but that was short-lived. I'm much happier now than I've ever been and have truly found my life partner - it's a great feeling and one I never had with my ex-wife.

Good luck with your decision. I think you should follow your heart, not your head, with this one.

Kind regards, James

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Reader Question: Long-distance Relationship

Hi, I am not sure if I can ask you for some advice on a relationship issue that I am having?

Basically, I've gotten to know a girl through the Internet and subsequently we've built a phone relationship, which has lasted about 7 months now. It is a distant relationship and she lives a very long distance away from me. We get along just fine on the phone and we've exchanged many gifts by post etc. We love each other and want to get married... BUT we've still not met in person!

It's not that she can't meet if she really wanted to, the distance isn't a big issue as she usually travels around the world with work etc She says that she'd like to meet, but that hasn't been happening and it's now 7 months. And I know that she's had a few problems here and there which hasn't made it easy for her either.

What I would like know is how do I speak to her about us meeting up, without upsetting her! That's another problem I generally have and that is, I can't be stern with someone I love, thinking I just don't want to hurt them.

Every time I've tried opening this topic with her she feels that I am pushy and that everything will happen in good time, but for me that's just taking too long.

I really love her and don't want to hurt her or spoil our relationship in any way.

Please advise!
Thanks!


Hi Prateek, thanks for your question.

I think that it's important that you meet this girl before you make any commitments to her. I understand that it may not be easy to arrange the meeting, but maybe you could both travel some of the distance and meet at some neutral venue, or maybe she could come to your city and stay in a hotel.

I think you should talk to her about this and explain that you're not being pushy, but that it is important to you. You need to be firm about this - not stern, firm! She will respect you much more for your determination and resolve. She would rather be with a strong man than someone who just says yes to her all the time.

It sounds to me like this is one of those little "tests" that every relationship has - you both need to pass the test to progress with the relationship.

I hope this helps.
Regards, James

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Make Your Woman Feel Good

By: James Carter

We were on holiday recently and my partner was navigating. It was dark and she wasn’t really sure of where we were or how to get to our destination. On several occasions I was tempted to ridicule her efforts to find her way and laugh outright at her method of navigating.

I’m so glad I didn’t! She did find her way eventually and I had a fantastic time on my surprise weekend away. She even apologised (after some time had passed!), for the lengthy detour. I guarantee that none of that would have happened if I’d made her feel stupid.

So what stopped me? I thought about it afterwards and realised that I just didn’t have the desire to tease her because I knew she’d take it personally and would feel bad about it. I knew she’d put so much energy into making it the perfect weekend away, and she was probably already beating herself up for getting lost, that she didn’t need me to pile it on too.

It’s something I’ve learned recently from reading a great book called “Hold On To Your NUTs”, by Wayne M. Levine. It’s a relationship manual for men that explains in plain language some really good tools for being a better man in a relationship. One of the things it talks about is restraining yourself from showing her she’s wrong. The book explains how holding back is the kindest and most effective approach.

You can order a copy of the book from Wayne’s website: http://www.bettermen.org/

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Romantic Dates on a Budget

By: Tammy Vela

Long ago are the dates that began at the fanciest restaurant in town and ended with a balcony seat at the opera. As society becomes more budget-minded and people struggle to get out of debt from credits cards, mortgages and school loans, there lies a need for frugal alternatives to the romantic date. Short of forcing your date to eat your leftover pizza from last night and watching a re-run of a sitcom, what other budget-minded options are out there?

For Coastal Romances

If you live near a beach, lucky you! Pack a light dinner, some cheese and an inexpensive bottle of wine in a picnic basket and, without letting your date or spouse in on this, suggest a drive. Drive your date to the beach and surprise them with your packed picnic. Lay a blanket on the beach and watch the sunset and stick around for the stars to come out. Who knows? You may be around for the sunrise, as well.

For Office Romances

One of the best deals around is the much-adored “Happy Hour.” Happy Hour is when a restaurant or bar offers reduced prices on their liquor and beer selections, as well as their appetizers and, sometimes, dinner entrees. You can easily wine and dine your spouse or date without putting a dent in your wallet. Make sure, however, that you drink responsibly so that you get you and your date home safely.

For Campus Romances

You are in college and thus, by definition, have little to no money to your name. You could sacrifice your laundry money and splurge on a date, but you really don’t need to do this. College campuses understand your pain and offer free or cheap date alternatives, if you just take the time to do a little digging. In college, I was able to see operas, musicals, comedy performances and newly released movie for free or for a greatly reduced price. Check your campus newspaper or your school’s website for calendars and listings of events being held on and around campus for students.

For Physically Active Romances

What a better way to get to know each other than on a hike? Pack up some bottled water, some homemade granola and some energy bars and head out to the nearest park. Why not take your bikes to the local hike and bike trail or feed ducks at the community pond? If you enjoy jogging, enter yourselves into a 5k for a small registration fee and jog the race side-by-side.

For Food-Loving Romances

If you and your significant other love to cook, here’s a great idea. Go through recipe books and write on different slips of paper entrees you would like to cook. Do the same for side dishes and desserts, putting the different courses into separate piles. Pick one slip of paper for the main course, two slips of paper for the side dishes and one slip of paper for the dessert. You will have fun cooking the mismatched meal together that both of you had a say in. Make the night more romantic by setting the table with your finest dishes and candles.

Some budget-minded couples love going out to eat at fine restaurants but don’t want to end up paying over $100 for drinks, appetizers, a main course and dessert. Why not whip up dinner at home and go to your favorite restaurant for dessert and coffee?

There are so many ideas out there for the frugal-minded romantic, if you are just a little creative!

© 2002 Pagewise

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Help to forgive infidelity

By: Antoinette Manigoult

Forgiving infidelity is a difficult choice to make. Many people find it easier to disconnect from the cheater and heal alone. Forgiving infidelity involves strength and guidance, because infidelity often attacks a person’s self esteem. Working through feelings of anger, hurt and betrayal are essential before the forgiving process can begin. There is help available for forgiving infidelity. Here are a few tips.

Marriage counseling and/or couple therapy is a good option to exercise. A licensed therapist can aid the couple in articulating their feelings. Often messages get lost in translation, when they are cloaked in emotion. A counselor acts as an interpreter and a referee between the couple. Confronting and acknowledging the underlying issues of the infidelity, may help prevent its reoccurrence. Consistently visiting with a therapist can enable each person to hear and listen to their partner’s needs and wants.

Individual counseling may be necessary for the adulterer and the cheated person. The adulterer may need to resolve personal internal conflicts that lead to unhealthy behavior patterns that include infidelity. This may be a learned behavior from the cheater’s family history.

Changing the role models of an adult is difficult. The older a person gets, the deeper they are set in their ways. Counseling is the only way to change an adult’s way of viewing infidelity as wrong. If the adult feels it is harmless, they are likely to repeat their actions. Forgiving a repeat offender is self destructive, as well as unfair to the victim.

The victim – or the one cheated on may also need individual counseling. Self-esteems can take a major blow due to infidelity. The victims often question their self worth, and may even blame themselves. Counseling is needed to help the victim understand it is not their fault. Counseling can also assist the victim in assessing their goals and desires in life. It can help the person decide if they can and/or should forgive the infidelity.

Counseling will address reasons why a person wants to forgive an adulterer. It is not always in one’s best interest to forgive infidelity. One may find they forgive infidelity out of desperation and fear of being alone. This is unhealthy and should be resolved with a therapist.

A couple may seek out counseling through a spiritual leader. Many married couples and pre-marital couples will seek advice from their minister, Imam or Rabbi. Many who base the lifestyle on a religious foundation, find this is the best way to seek help forgiving others for wrongdoings.

Relying on help from family and friends may be helpful in forgiving a cheater. Often many are too embarrassed or ashamed to seek outside help. Or sometimes, one may not be able to afford professional counseling. It helps to surround oneself with the love and support of family and friends. They play a vital role in reminding one of their worth. They can give objective as well as subjective opinions on whether your relationship is worth saving at all.

Forgiving infidelity is not a difficult thing, but should not be done alone. Seek support from your immediate and expansive circles. Let other guide you in your decision to move forward in your relationship, or move on by one’s self.

© 2002 Pagewise

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Relationship survival guide - hanging on to your identity

By: Elizabeth Hardy

Sometimes a relationship starts to feel like nothing but a power struggle. If you're involved with a dominating personality, and you've had a lifetime of conditioning to please your partner, it can be difficult to hang onto your own identity AND have a relationship. But it doesn't have to come down to a choice between staying in the relationship and losing your identity, or ending the relationship and rediscovering who you are. Here's how to discover and assert your own demands within the paradigms of your existing relationship.

What do you really want?

Have you thought about what you really want lately? From your job, from yourself, from your partner? From life itself? Maybe your desires are not grandiose - perhaps an hour to yourself twice a week to read a novel is what you're missing. But what if you want to work longer hours and go for a promotion, but your partner is unsupportive?

The first step in asserting your identity within a relationship is to catalog exactly what it is you want to achieve within it. Write down your short and long term goals. Be specific and don't restrict yourself to what seems possible. In ten years, you could be a millionaire, so note down everything you want from your life, and from your relationship.

Ask you partner to do the same, and set aside some time to compare and discuss your lists. Chances are you've never actually sat down and quantified exactly what you want - to yourself, and certainly not to your partner. This can be a really illuminating exercise. If you communicate carefully and gently with each other about your lists of goals and desires, you can learn an enormous amount about one another, and thrash out how you are going to fit your goals together so that they are not only compatible but achievable.

Do you mean "no" when you say "yes"?

Once you're clear on what you want from the relationship, and from other aspects of your life, it will become easier to say no to things that are not going to move you towards your chosen path. So often, one partner falls into the habit of humoring the other, and agreeing to their requests because it's simply easier than making waves or having constant arguments.

But now, with your new understanding of what you're trying to accomplish, you may discover that you don't want to go to the game on Saturday. You may decide that you need to hire someone to help around the house so that you have some time free to attend the art class you have dreamed of going to for 10 years. In the process, you may find that it's not that difficult to say no when the result is a stronger sense of identity and purpose.

Learning to say no can be the most rewarding thing in the world. You may not even realize that you've been bending to the wishes of everyone else for as long as you can remember. After you've gotten over the shock of asserting your OWN desires, you'll find that it's exhilarating to be back in control of your time and to have strong input into the direction of your life.

Keeping track of your progress.

Now may be the time to start keeping a journal. Keep track of your goals here, and also your progress towards them. If you've been meaning to go back to college for the last five years, write down a plan in stages, and then tick off each stage as you complete it.

Or make notes on the specific changes you'd like to implement in your kitchen or study, and let yourself see how you are progressing towards completion of your goal.

Talk to your partner about your progress and enquire about how he's doing as he moves towards his own goals. This will help to reinforce the message that you have dreams as individuals and as a partnership, and that both kinds must be supported by each of you.

As you begin to discover what you want from life, and the stages you will have to move through to get it, you will be able to flourish in even the most demanding relationship. Your identity will continue to be strengthened as you ask for what you want, and successfully negotiate your way towards a more equal power dynamic within your relationship.

© 2002 Pagewise

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Romantic Gestures

By: Jody Worsfold

In a healthy relationship we are always doing kind and thoughtful gestures for our partner or spouse. It may be making them a cup of tea in the morning, leaving the heater on in the bathroom, running an errand or picking up the dry cleaning. The list is endless and I encourage you to take some time to think of the kind and thoughtful gestures your special someone does for you, as they are often overlooked and go un-thanked. By taking some time to notice the things they do you can easily rectify this with a thank you, a hug or some other acknowledgement.

What is a Romantic Gesture?

So what is the difference between these gestures and a Romantic Gesture?

I find asking these three questions define if what I am planning falls into the Romantic Gesture category:

1. Have I had to set aside some time to plan this?
2. Does it involve my partner and I spending time together or him spending time doing something he loves with my full encouragement?
3. Is the event, occasion or surprise I am planning about what he likes rather than what I like to do?

If I can answer yes to these three questions I know I am on the right track.

For example, last year we went overseas for a holiday. I organized for us to go and watch the local team play soccer (I would have rather watched paint dry). This took some planning on my behalf, involved us spending time together and was certainly something I new he would enjoy. All boxes ticked!

Conversely I love having my feet massaged and I think it would be lovely for us to have a Chinese foot spa together. However my husband has incredibly ticklish feet so this would be a slow form of torture for him and would not work as a Romantic Gesture (it would be amusing though!)

In Summary

A Romantic Gesture will take some planning. Consider what you want to do for him/her. Take some time over this, enough time to focus on what you know they like and how you can plan something special around that. Ensure that your plan involves things he/she loves to do or receive. I can’t stress this enough. Guys if you are planning a special dinner out and you choose a spot where you can watch the game on TV too, I guarantee you will spoil the moment (unless she is a big sports fan). Equally girls, if you whisk your man away for a romantic weekend and the final of his favorite sporting event is on he will not thank you for it!

Once you have decided on the gesture you need to set a date and organize whatever is required for your plan to work. If you are planning to surprise her with flowers or a midweek lunch at your favorite restaurant you may not have too much to organize but if it’s a weekend away there may be a bit more to consider like childcare, time off work, special food (make a list and don’t be afraid to ask for some help if needed).

Lastly put your plan into action and if you have organized a trip away or a surprise night out give some thought to how you present your gift of time. Maybe write a poem, send her txt clues throughout the day or make up a voucher that says what you are going to be doing and when you are going to be doing it.

Enjoy and remember – the gesture does not always have to be large or expensive. It is all about giving your time and using a little imagination.

The author: Jody is a romance specialist and can give your relationship the gift of time together. Visit her website at: RomanticGestures.co.nz

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